Cthulhu vs. eHarmony

Even Great Old Ones get lonely. I've risen, and R'lyeh is super boring. The other Great Old Ones lie in their slumber while I binge watch reality television and yearn for the touch of another. I've tried connecting with the local fish life, but they're cold and swim-offish. I've tried to snuggle up with some of the sleeping female Great Ones, but it just feels wrong and our tentacles keep getting tangled. It's time for me to return to the surface.

Humanity has always been insignificant to me, and I would've had no problem smashing them from existence. Now, I feel like I want to be a part of their culture after spending weeks examining their lifestyle on television. I'm ready for The Real World and ready to find my mate.

The journey has begun.  The universal opinion of my minion followers was that my first quest in finding a partner is to hit the dating websites. I signed up for eHarmony and quickly realized that even for a God, this is going to be tough.

Here’s a sampling of the inane questions eHarmony asks and my brilliant answers:

What are you most passionate about?

Reality TV.

What are the THREE things you’re MOST thankful for?

1) Haagen Dazs; 2) The infinite slumber of the Great Old Ones; 3) Ryan Seacrest

Other than your parents, who has been the most influential person in your life and why?

H.P. Lovecraft. He is The Man.

The four things your friends say about you are?

1) I am a God’s God; 2) I always pick people up at the airport; 3) My cappuccinos kick ass (the trick is sea salt); 4) My sense of humor is often eclipsed by my dark brooding.

What are three of your BEST life-skills?

1) Terrorizing humanity; 2) Good swimmer; 3) I can drive a stick

What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person?

Purity. I need someone who can balance my evil. It’s tough being merciless all day. It puts me in a real funk. I’m looking for a genuinely good person -- someone who will replace the toilet paper when they’ve used the last square.


I got a bite! Here’s my unfortunate Mailbox Chat with a real human lady:

Cthulhu: Hi Mary! Are you the same Mary that is the mother of the Lord you call Christ?

Mary: Uhh, is this a joke?

Cthulhu: I saw your name and you seem like you represent all that is pure.

Mary: Well, I… I’m not sure what to say to that. I like to think of myself as a good person.

Cthulhu: Excellent! Would you like to mate?

Cthulhu: Mary?

Cthulhu: Mary?