Syncing with Charlize; or, a Bloody Manifesto of Fury Road

My stomach was in knots while I watched MAD MAX: FURY ROAD at the Alamo Drafthouse. I thought, “Is it the milkshake I’m drinking? Am I lactose-intolerant? Is the pure visceral power of this movie just too much for me?” After the film I realized it was simply my monthly feminine gift’s unexpected arrival.

Hey, that’s physiology for you. But that’s when I realized: maybe it’s not just physiology. I’d read in the news about some men’s rights group arguing about the film’s “leftist, feminist agenda.” Something about sneaking gender equality politics into an action movie. And holy shit, they were right. It can’t be coincidence that I got my period during this film. I wasn’t expecting it that day; this was my body’s reaction to the unadulterated lady power of this film. My uterus literally, physically could not contain itself.

The message—it all makes sense now. Charlize Theron’s Imperator Furiosa blurs the line between men and women. She has a shaved head, and she’s strong, and she’s logical too. Even the pretty young girls could load guns and climb around on moving vehicles. We don’t even need men. Not like we used to, anyway. We can start our own society with young impressionable boys and men bending to our will (after killing their old, white male leader, naturally). I mean, that’s a fantasy shown in a movie obviously, but the basic idea is on point. How have we not realized this sooner, ladies???

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So hear me out—just thinking aloud here, but stay with me: our greatest power is in the media, specifically movies, so let’s start with that. Distract the weak-minded with explosions, storms, flashing lights, etc., then sneak in some egalitarian indoctrination about women being just as capable as men. That’ll trick them into respecting us, make them sensitive and gentle, and then they’ll die for us (RIP Nux, #sorrynotsorry). So ladies: you have your marching orders, get to it. Start making some action films with subversive political undertones. And gents: be afraid, be very afraid. We’re going to paint this whole fucking world red, with your blood and our own of the menstrual variety. And you can thank George Miller for helping make it happen.