On Tuesday May 24 the Other Worlds Austin Staff meeting was interrupted by an unknown force that possessed OWA Director of Operations, Courtney Hazlett. After all the shaking and slobbering, Courtney jumped on top of the conference room table and paced around staring down each team member. She moved like she was a marionette with its strings tangled and spoke in mumblecore. Luckily, Jordan Brown had her Duplass Mumble What? Translator App on her phone.
Courtney came to and the team huddled around Jordan's phone as the app filtered out all of the bullshit. They gasped in unison as the results flashed on the screen. HUMANITY ENDS ON JUNE 23rd 2016.
But who sent the message and how are they planning to end humanity?
Worry not our fellow humans, the Other Worlds Austin team is on the case and we have already captured the usual suspects. Cthulhu, an out of control AI, and many others are currently being interrogated. We will post the interrogation logs to our blog in the hope that you can help us figure out who plans on ending humanity on the same night as the Other Worlds Austin 9 pm screening of PRISONER X at Flix Brewhouse (see the trailer and buy tickets here).
Case: 06232016 Humanity's End
Suspect Numbers 10: Bears 2.0
OWA Interrogator: Founder and Artistic Director Bears Fonte
Interrogation Setting: OWA Underground Facility Bio Hazard Interrogation Room 2
Other Worlds Austin Founder and Artistic Director Bears Fonte sits down across from Other Worlds Austin Founder and Artistic Director Bears Fonte. Wait a minute, that’s Bears 2.0, a home-grown clone which we’ve kept under lock and key since he tried to program a Michael Bay retrospective. In the wake of the threats of the end of humanity, and unable to find the cause, Bears figures it is time to check in with his evil counterpart.
Bears: Where were you the night on May 24th?
2.0: You know full well where I was, in a plastic cell in high security vault like I’m some sort of Ian McKellen.
Bears: Your evil has to be restrained somehow. Everyone knows you erased episodes of the X-Files reboot on your DVR to make room for a Pretty Little Liars Marathon.
2.0: It was Ravenswood as well. There are SciFi elements to that.
Bears: Ghosts are not SciFi!
2.0: But Ghostbusters is?
Bears: Ghostbusters features the practical application of scientific study into paranormal disturbances. Those traps they use –
2.0: Don’t sell me, Bear Cub. I watched Ghostbusters before you were even in a petri dish.
Bears: Don’t play that game. I’m the real Bears. You’re the clone.
2.0: I’m the real Bears. You’re the clone.
Bears: Stop repeating me, Clone!
2.0: Stop repeating me, Clone!
The door swings open. Reid Lansford, Registration Director and Amateur Wrestler rushes in, leaps on Bears 2.0 and puts him in a choke hold. Behind him, Courtney Hazlett, mental takeover victim and Operations Director stands in the doorway.
CH: We discovered the culprit, Chief.
2.0: Excellent, who is it?
Bears: Excellent, who is it? And please ignore the clone.
2.0: He’s the clone.
RL: Apparently the entire staff has had chips surgically implanted into their brain that allows them to be manipulated and controlled by some sort of Master of Puppets.
2.0: It’s the clone!
RL: Exactly our thoughts.
CH: No one but Bears has the skill set to create a SciFi army of slave labor to carry out his plans, like running a successful festival and posting non-stop on social media.
RL: And nobody but an evil version of Bears would use that power for his own amusement.
2.0: Yes, and I was here, imprisoned, unable to access a computer, so how could do that?
Courtney and Reid look back and forth, then at Bears… or is that Bears 2.0…
RL: I say we throw them both in prison to be safe?
CH: It would make staff meetings consistently shorter.
The door opens again, this time it’s Don Elfant, Director of Marketing and Development.
DE: Case solved. It was Parsec the Space Kitten. He was walking over the keyboard of the office computer. And then he sort of did that thing where he stretched out. And then he made biscuits. He totally wreaked havoc on Bears’ desk. Unfortunately, the program currently open was MS Puppet. It’s a little known part of the Microsoft Office Suite.
CH: Reid, you can probably release that choke hold.
RL: Can I piledriver?
Bears: Not so fast, Clone.
Don sets down Parsec. Parsec strolls into the room, sniffing Bears and Bears 2.0. Finally, he rubs up against Bears 2.0’s leg.
Reid leaps across the desk and attacks Bears, the actual Bears 2.0. Or so it appears. Through the one-way mirror someone looks on, twiddling his tentacles.
Cthulhu: Chaos brings rebirth. Now, to get my tickets for Prisoner X.