If Kelsey Went Over the Edge, Let's Start Drowning Our Sorrows

Mission: Kelseios
Scenario Specialist: Programmer and Tour Director Michael Thielvoldt
Scenario Code Name: Salut
Threat: The Edge of the Universe

Scenario Description:
Though a longshot...literally...there is a chance that the Kelseios, with its hyperdrive burning at full throttle and leapfrogging through every available wormhole to further and further reaches of the universe, has not only reached but may have also gone right over the edge of the universe.

OWA tracking data for the Kelseios shows that the ship was traversing the known universe faster than projected and was nearing the presumed edge when we lost contact. Additional relevant information: while we were able to acquire some cutting edge hyperdrive technology for the Kelseios’s mission, the accompanying navigation technology, which, like the ship itself, was acquired second hand, and could have been limited in its ability to detect and thus warn the Kelseios of the approaching edge of the universe. Additionally, the braking system on the vessel was upon acquisition in urgent need of repair. Through a quick poll of the OWA staff, I have discovered that the task was initially delegated to Jordan who delegated it to Dan who delegated it to Courtney who delegated it to me who delegated it to Kelsey who was at that time preparing for her mission, acclimating to hyperspeed space travel by riding in fast cars while pumping her arms really, really quickly so as to create the feeling that she was running really, really fast. Amidst the intense training regimen, the message may not have reached her. 

Plan of Action:
If the Kelseios did meet and exceed the universe’s edge, such a scenario would be unprecedented and surely mean a quick end for the ship and her crew. In order to confirm the fate of Kelsey et al. we would need to chart an immediate follow up mission by the remainder of the OWA team to retrace the Kelseios’s path to its endpoint. Supplies for such a mission would be minimal and include the following:

Assuming the Kelseios and her crew are discovered in tact:

  • soft warm blankets and hot cocoa would be needed to comfort the crew back to sanity

Assuming (and the more likely discovery of the two) the data shows the Kelseios did break with existence as we know it:

  •  a few bottles of whiskey (preferably single malt scotch or possibly a good Irish whiskey)
  • bar tumblers or tumble-style shot glasses
  • a working gravity generator (to keep the liquor in the glasses and allow staff members to pour single shots to the floor in tribute to our fallen teammates)
  • a collection of Irish funeral ballads (note: bagpipe heavy Scottish ballads may be substituted if Irish ballads are unavailable and/or for the sake of thematic musical-liquor consistency depending on the type of whiskey brought)

A precise plan of action for this most dire discovery would be subject to slight alterations depending on exactly what we find when we reach the universe’s edge. At the very least, we would be honor bound to: 1) drink heavily; 2) curse the damned limitations of existence for taking our beloved comrades from us; 3) sing, in drunken chorus, many soul swelling ballads; 4) as our leader, Bears would be expect to, through near unintelligible slurs, recount doting remembrances of Kelsey and rest of the Kelseios crew, which must be--by tradition--equal parts adoring and abhorrent and include no less than two heart-felt racial epithets; 5) one of remaining members of the programming team (I’m looking at you Dan) would have to be physically restrained from following the Kelseios into the void (preferably while screaming: “Take me too, you finite bastard, take me too!”); 6) and, finally, the remaining team would need to remember to take a team photo at the edge of the universe for use in this year’s holiday card.

Once these bare minimum expectations have been met, the team would need to return to Earth as quickly as possible in order to continue the programming and logistical responsibilities necessary to ensure a successful 2017 festival. Based on preliminary data projections, if we retrace our initial flight path, while flying the ship backwards, we should be able to reverse the relative time loss we would have experienced on the initial trip out. Also, we would need to find a replacement for Kelsey. (Personal Reminder: delegate responsibility of finding a replacement for Kelsey to Reid.)


Will this work? What really happened to Kelsey and her crew? Come to Other Worlds Austin's screening of TELEIOS on April 19th to help raise funds for our rescue mission, due to launch the next morning. We've prepared for the worst, but hope for the best. 

Buy tickets HERE!