Munchie Junkies

In honor of the SciFi comedy FUTURE ’38, which screens Wednesday, May 17 at Flix Brewhouse, the OWA staff is creating a Time Capsule to be opened in 80 years. 

FUTURE ’38 is a Technicolor valentine to the classic screwball comedies of the 1930s and ‘40s, with a SciFi twist. It’s a time-travel adventure which presents the exotic future-world of 2018 A.D., as imagined by the filmmakers of 1938! 

Buy tickets HERE.

More info HERE

The OWA Time Capsule is designed to represent the most significant artifacts from our era and to explain to the people of 2097 what we were all about and, frankly, what was wrong with us.


Time Capsule Top 5: Munchie Junkies

I can only assume that in the future people have moved beyond sleep, beyond eating, in all likelihood, beyond these sad meat sacks that store the synaptic bouncings we each come to know singularly as “me.” But, in 2017, we were still primitive beasts in primitive bodies, little more than cavemen smashing our way through the world with blunt objects. Still, even amidst this savagery, we managed to, as a species, stumble into great feats of artistry. These eureka moments defined the late night binge sessions in front of television screens, thumbing joysticks or scrolling endlessly through the vast temporal wasteland we called Netflix. In these hours between midnight and 5:00 AM we nourished our souls at the expense of our bodies by way of “Munchie Junkies,” the junk food treats that are “food” in jest only. Behold the “Top 5 Munchie Junkies” of the year 2017, and marvel at their wonder, for truly, we were gods.

1. Trader Joe’s Scandinavian Swimmers

There was once a fish-shaped, red-flavored gummy candy named Swedish Fish that carved out a space for itself with elderly consumers. It also--inexplicably--secured deals with movie theater concession counters across the US, alongside similarly questionable candies with names like Jujyfruits, Mike and Ike, Sno-Caps, Sugar Daddies, and Raisinets. Then, sometime later, the grocery store mecca Trader Joe’s came along and rebranded every marketable food product on the planet. The copyright-skirting name TJ gave their off-brand Swedish Fish: Scandinavian Swimmers. And, with that little bit of thesaurus jiujitsu TJ took a tired question mark of the candy aisle and introduced one of the great muchie junk foods of the 21st century. They came in four flavors and shapes to original’s one. Flavor-shape combos included peach mango yellow seahorse, berry red lobster, huckleberry dolphin, and orange rockfish. It didn’t matter that the bag was always 90% lobsters. They tasted like heaven and were their own source of endless entertainment. Try chomping portions off multiple swimmers and recombining the excised parts into gummy-flavored Frankensteinian monstrosities. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

2. “Cool American Flavor” Doritos

From the beginning of time, science told humanity that it lived in a world of four flavors: 1) salty, 2) sweet, 3) sour, and 4) bitter. Then, on the turn of the 20th and 21st centuries, science acknowledged the longstanding presence of umami, a flavor that has long received populous recognition on eastern palates but is notoriously difficult to express using western vocabularies and to unseasoned taste buds. It would take a few more decades before scientists would give Doritos’ “Cool Ranch” flavor that same degree of credible recognition. “Cool Ranch,” like umami, is similarly tricky to translate to the uninitiated. With a flavor milieu of salty tanginess, hints of meaty sweetness, and an intangible addictive lure on par with Columbia-grade heroin, the European packaging rebrand “Cool American Flavor” does as good a job as any taste study could ever hope at getting across the essence of this flavor. Eat a “Cool American Flavor” Dorito--or, better yet, eat a Family Size bag of them--and tell me you don’t feel the urge to shoot a military issue rapid fire rifle while drinking a 32-oz camouflage-print tallboy can of Budweiser at a 90-inch (YES, I WROTE “INCH”) 8K flat screen television playing Monday Night Football...that and stomach cramps.

3. Reese’s Puffs Cereal

Reese’s Puffs were one of the great marketing ploys of the 20th century, where a chocolate company successfully duped parents into believing that chocolate and peanut butter made for an acceptable breakfast choice when glazed atop teeny sugar boulders. And, while parents may have eventually grew wise to the narcotic levels of sugar this cereal was mainlining into their offspring, Reese’s Puffs remained a staple brand in grocery stores across America in great part because stoner culture took it up as the food of choice for bakefest, munch, or dinner. Yes, they would cut the shit out of the top of your mouth at some point during the chewing process, but those open sores were just more orifices with which to receive that delicious PB&C flavor orgy. Plus, you could always cool those wounds with that sweet, sweet PB-flavored sugar milk.

4. Nestlé Drumstick Ice Cream Cones

Nestlé Drumstick ice cream cones, accept no substitutes! For that matter, don’t even deviate from the original vanilla flavor. Chocolate: meh; caramel: if they could really call it that; and, don’t even get me started on the mini ones. They didn’t even have that beautiful nugget of chocolate at the tip of the cone! Nestlé perfected the Drumstick at the get go: sweet cone with chocolate nugget tip, vanilla ice cream scoop encased in a chocolate shell that had been embedded with chopped peanuts. Done and done...just don’t read the nutrition facts.

5. Flipz Chocolate Covered Pretzels

Not really sure where they got the name Flipz, but the combination of milk chocolate and salted pretzels is the stuff of legend. Chew off the chocolate and then devour the pretzel, bite off each line point on the coated pretzel shape piece by piece until there’s nothing left, or cram handfuls of these guys into your gob with no regard for afterthoughts like air. Flipz is perhaps the perfect munchie. It’s sweet, it’s salty, and--at least, assuming that you select the milk chocolate option--you could count it as a representative of the dairy food group.