An Emperor's Reprimand

From: “The Emperor” <TheEmperor03@DStar.emp>
Sent: Episode 3.5, 01:36:06 DST
To: “Darth Vader”<DVader@Dstar.emp>, “Anakin Skywalker” <Ani@WattosCustomPods.tat>
Subject: Thorns in my Side

My Dark Apprentice,

The Death Star is coming to its fruition and ALL will soon join the Darkside or feel its wrath.  My concerns lie in the tiny thorns in my side.  I have foreseen it.  The Death Star’s fate lies in the small details.  The future has blurred for me in recent years as there has been a disturbance in the Force. 

Thorn number one, why do I have TheEmperor03 email? Who else decided they deserve the most powerful Sith Overlord’s email address?  I thought we programmed these clones without a sense of humor or desire for power.  There must be a glitch.  Speaking of glitches, have you addressed the pitiful marksmanship of the troopers with the blaster pistol trainer?   Maybe Grand Moff Tarkin took TheEmperor@Dstar.emp.  Let him know, if my prophecy is correct, I will replace him with an awkward droid projection with eyes dead as the Jedi. 

Regardless who it is, we need to put an end to them.  I hear they are emailing my enemies with Ewok Emojis and trolling the Death Star message board with pics of old wrinkled genitalia.

Thorn number two, I’m tired of having to always copy this dreadful email Ani@WattosCustomPods.tat any time I need a fast response from you!  This Ani burned away with most of your body in the lava of Mustafar. You are Darth Vader damn it!  Not some mama’s boy Tatooinan slave.  Stop disappointing me like you did her.  I will feed you with the Darkside! If you still hunger for the sour milk of your slave mother’s teet; go back to Tatooine, get a shovel, dig her up and suck it out of her corpse.  Just leave the suit here.

Thorn number three, I received an HR complaint from Orson Krennic.  You choked him nearly to death, but that was not his complaint.  Apparently, after you struck fear deep in his heart, you turned around and said a pitiful pun.  “Be careful not to CHOKE on your aspirations.”  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! The Darkside is evil, selfish and full of anger, not silly Dad puns.  Are you dropping the kids off at school and leaving them with a little humor to help get them through the day? Are you practicing for open mic night at Chalmun’s Cantina on Tatooine?  Even the damn clones are laughing about it and we programmed them not to have a sense of humor! 

As you read this email and begin to feel the anger from my hateful words, picture me rubbing my hands together like I’m molding your darkness with an evil grin while I say, “Yesss, yeeeessss, embrace your anger and open yourself to the Darkside.”

Always Embrace the Darkside.

The (Real) Emperor


If you can't tell yet, OWA really loves STAR WARS - so much so that this May the 4th marks our third annual Star Wars Day Fan Film Screening! We take the best (and goofiest) Star Wars fan films out there and give them a night of big screen glory. This year's free event take place at 4th Tap, starting at 6pm. They even brewed some beer just for us (Light or Dark Side, take your pick...) so we'll see you there!