Cthulhu's Hunt For Love: A Touching Summary of Tentacled Longing

On April 16th at 9pm at the Alamo Village Theater, Other Worlds Austin will present the Texas Premiere of horror RomCom CALL GIRL OF CTHULHU, our first screening of the year. Director Chris LaMartina and cast member Melissa O’Brien (who plays Cthulhu’s intended) will be on hand for a Q&A. Tickets are only $10 and can be purchased here.  The screening will be co-presented by Blood over Texas and Midnight Crew Studio.

As you may remember, Cthulhu is one of our programmers, when he bother to surface from his murky deep-ocean lair. To ‘prepare’ for his big-screen lovefest, Cthulhu has been on prowl for a potential date/mate.  He has been tweeting (@CthulhuATX) and blogging about his search.  Here’s a slimy, tentacle-filled taste:

Even Great Old Ones get lonely. I've risen, and R'lyeh is super boring. The other Great Old Ones lie in their slumber while I binge watch reality television and yearn for the touch of another. I've tried connecting with the local fish life, but they're cold and swim-offish. I've tried to snuggle up with some of the sleeping female Great Ones, but it just feels wrong and our tentacles keep getting tangled. It's time for me to return to the surface. 

Humanity has always been insignificant to me, and I would've had no problem blighting them from existence. Now, I feel like I want to be a part of their culture after spending weeks examining their lifestyle on television. I'm ready for The Real World and ready to find my mate.

I signed up for eHarmony and quickly realized that even for a God, this was going to be tough.  Here’s a look at my profile and a sampling of the inane questions eHarmony asks as well as my brilliant answers:

What are you most passionate about? 
Reality TV.

What are THREE things you’re MOST thankful for?  1) Haagen Dazs; 2) The infinite slumber of the Great Old Ones; 3) Ryan Seacrest

The four things your friends say about you are? 1) I am a God’s God; 2) I always pick people up at the airport; 3) My cappuccinos kick ass (the trick is sea salt); 4) My sense of humor is often eclipsed by my dark brooding.

What are three of your BEST life-skills? 
1) Terrorizing humanity; 2) Good swimmer; 3) I can drive a stick 

So that didn’t work out too well. I’ll tell you, I've conquered worlds, devoured deities, and my seafood piaya has driven royalty to orgasm, but I'm completely lost trying to find a human mate. My experience on eHarmony truly humbled me. I'm a God, damn it!  Why aren't women kissing my webbed feet and begging to tangle with my tentacles?  I scrapped eHarmony and moved onto PlentyOfFish.com. It just felt more appropriate.  But I had similar results. I should have known after I looked at "My Matches:"

So, my only real choice was Cindy. I got excited because she looked perfect for me and I got to chat with her. It did not last long:

Cthulhu: Hey Cindy, we should get together some time. I think we could be a perfect match.

Cindy: Yeah, I just looked you up and I think you're a little old for me.

Cthulhu: I'm ageless. Never too old or young. 

Cindy: Yeah, I don't think I could date someone who could be my father.

Cthulhu: Age is just a number.

Cindy: Let me be more clear: I can't date someone who could be our father, as in the father of creation.  

Man, the dating life is rough. After trying eHarmony and PlentyOfFish.com, I still hadn't gone on a single date. I thought my problem was that I was focusing on quantity over quality. So I decided to sign up for BeautifulPeople.com. It's a social meeting ground for all of the strikingly attractive millennials. This site is so exclusive you have to be voted in based on your visage. Here is my profile page and results:

Can you believe this?! Time for a new strategy. I didn’t think anyone or anything could hurt the feelings of a Great Old One but, damn, you ladies on BeuatifulPeople.com are harsh. It doesn’t matter anyway because I’m not looking for some skin-deep hotty. Anymore. I’m looking for a traditional, intellectual, and spiritual hotty.

JDate just felt right. If you’re going to worship a deity other than moi, the more ancient your God the better. Plus, I love potato pancakes and matzo. Still can’t stand gefilte fish, though. It’s a texture thing. But I digress. Take a look at my JDate profile and see what you think:

I actually got three FLIRTS but none of them worked out. I think I’ll try Tinder next.  Follow me on Twitter (CthulhuATX) for more updates on my dating adventure.




And if you want to see how this ultimately turns out for me, catch the Texas premiere of CALL GIRL FOR CTHULHU, April 16 at the Alamo Drafthouse Village in Austin. You can purchase tickets here.