We have the resources to last a lifetime here, but I’m not sure I can endure another five minutes with her. When she isn’t talking about Debbie Gibson, she makes on-the-nose statements about our predicament like she’s providing exposition in a SyFy Channel Original Movie.
Thorn number one, why do I have TheEmperor03 email? Who else decided they deserve the most powerful Sith Overlord’s email address? I thought we programmed these clones without a sense of humor or desire for power. There must be a glitch. Speaking of glitches, have you addressed the pitiful marksmanship of the troopers with the blaster pistol trainer? Maybe Grand Moff Tarkin took TheEmperor@Dstar.emp. Let him know, if my prophecy is correct, I will replace him with an awkward droid projection with eyes dead as the Jedi.
Worry not our fellow humans, the Other Worlds Austin team is on the case and we have already captured the usual suspects. Cthulhu, an out of control AI, and many others are currently being interrogated. We will post the interrogation logs to our blog in the hope that you can help us figure out who plans on ending humanity on the same night as the Other Worlds Austin 9 pm screening of PRISONER X at Flix Brewhouse.
I can remember the look on my son's face when I told him I got the promotion from Storm Trooper to Imperial Guard. My wife was proud, but more relieved. The Storm Trooper death-on-the-job rate has shot up since the rebellion found a new hope and our pensions had recently been cut to build the Death Star.